I HATE TB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KATA PINDAH TAPI YG DOK SIBUK2 BALIK MAI CNI WATPA????!!! PASTU SUKA2 HATI AMIK ALIH ANAK AKU! PERANGAI CAM #$%&**!!! MULUT BUSUK!!! HANG INGAT SEBAB HANG TU DAH TUA HANG JA YANG BETUI???! HUH! SAMPAI MATI PUN AKU TAK MAAFKAN HANG! BENCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TU DOK MENGHASUT APA PLAK TU?? OOO...ANAK ANGKAT YG HANG DOK KEPIT PI MAI PI MAI TU DAH LARI DARI HANG, HANG NAK AMIK ANAK AKU PLAK??? JANGAN HARAP LA BE^&%A WOIII!!!

nama ja ada suami tp mcm takdak ja bila dia keja, of course la dia takdak tp bila dia tak keja pun dia takdak mana dia pi? dia pi lepak dgn member2 kat kedai la apa lg kalau duduk kat rmh pun mcm tak wujud plg banyak dia buat; tidoq & tgk TV paham la dia letih keja tp part tgk TV tu takkan la smpi pggl pun pekak? apa punya hantu la mamat ni mtk tlg jaga anak pun tak mo asyik lepas tgn ja

Woe is me.

Naper skg ni asyik rasa sedih ja. Sikit2 sedih, sikit2 feeling sorry for myself. Hey Anis! Wake up! You did this to yourself, it's nobody's fault but your own. Stop blaming others for what you've done. It's not going to change a damn thing.

Waaaaaaaaaa....naper ni? I feel like a complete loser! Not the Biggest Loser, though I personally think *I* should take part in that competition. God knows how much MORE weight I've gained. Damn! Here I go again, veering of track when I really want to talk about something else.

LOSER. Glee, though I've never had the opportunity to watch this show. I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself and actually do something about it but, can't help it. I just could not stop thinking, 'What is wrong with me? Why am I now such a big loser?'

I was so full of life when I was little. I get to go places, I won so many events, I was on top of the world. Yet, here I am now, telling you, dear blog, about my miserable life now. Why am I telling you? Because I am so pathetic, I don't have anybody to talk to about these feelings. I have no best friends because I am friendly with everybody but not very close to anybody. And I unintentionally forget people as soon as I step away from them. I can't tell my sisters because they are younger than me in terms of age, but older in terms of life experience. Lagipun malu la nak cerita kat depa pasal benda-benda ni, I am suppose to be their role model (yeah, right, as if I can be a 'role' anything).

They have everything; money, job, loving husband, their own home (walaupun rented, they still have their own place, not like me, having to stay here in TB's house, which I hate, HATE, HATE!) MKadang-kadang, rasa malu nak balik kampung bila depa pun balik. They have their own money to spend, balik dgn husband and anak. Aku? Skg ni asyik blk sorang dgn Shahrin n Nazrin ja, Ahmad dah lama tak jejak kaki rumah parents aku. Rasa cam aku ni takdak laki pun bila blk AS. Mak n baba plak asyik compare me to my other siblings.

Naper skg ni aku dah takdak arah tuju dlm hidup? I have no talent, no hobby, no nothing. :(
Some of the SAHMs' blogs that I've read showed that they use their skills and hobbies and life experiences to at least have a side income. Or at least it showed that they have something going on in their life. Me? I don't know how to bake or cook or do crafts or give advices about everything under the sun. Man, I am pathetic.

Ya ALLAH, berikanlah hambamu ini petunjuk ke arah kebaikan dalam hidupku ini.

Dear Nazrin Sayang,

I am so sorry that it took me this long to finally write something about you. My excuse is that we didn't have internet connection before and when we finally do, I've been busy doing other things. Well, fret not my love, this post is dedicated especially for you!

You were born on the 21th of May 2009, unfortunately by C-section due to complications during labor. However, I have to note that you were born with style, thanks to Wan Mansor and Tok Kemariah! The whole month before my due date, I got to spend the time at home instead of at Bagan Serai, which was a HUGE relief for me! Then, I got the chance to give birth at a private clinic rather than at the local hospital (no repeat of my first labor experience, thank GOD!). We got a private room so that Ayah and A.Long can keep me company.

During the operation, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness due to the epidural(?) they gave me but I tried to stay alert. I got my first introduction to your arrival by your loud crying. If I hadn't been sedated then, I would've gotten up to greet you myself. But a nurse did presented you in your full glory to me, telling me, "Puan, anak lelaki, puan."

I saw you again that night, after they've cleaned you up nice and cuddly. You yawned! right after I picked you up and hold you in my arms. Okey, so I got the message, you're sleepy, I know, but just let me kiss those rosy cheeks of yours. Mmmmmm...

I want to tell more but let's just fast-forward through your days of living, okey?

1 - You began to turn on your stomach when you were just 2 months plus.
2 - Started to 'army-crawl' right after your 3 months date.
3 - Full crawling by the time you were 5 months old and enjoying wrecking the house.
4 - Have a hard time putting on weight like A.Long, but at least I can play the 'They take after
their father' card every time people give me grief about both of you being on the small side.
5 - Climbing up the furniture and learning to walk by the time you were a month shy of being 1
years old.
6 - These days, you practically power walk everywhere, like you don't want to waste time
ambling about. Busy, busy, busy.
7 - Begin pulling at your shirt whenever I say the word, "Bath time". You just love playing with
the water and splashing with A.Long.
8 - Bangs on the fridge whenever you are thirsty. I didn't get it at first but we are beginning to
understand each other better these days, don't we, my love?
9 - Knows that shoes are for playing outside and would just wait by the shoe rack till I put
them on you so that you can play outside with A.Long.
10 - Wave 2 kinds of goodbye waves, a vigorous hand side-to-side for people you know and
lazy finger-flicks for those you aren't quite familiar with.
11 - You love to chatter and the most prominent word would be, "Ta ta ta ta ta.." which is why
I have started to call you 'Ta'. Oh, and you would say "Ya.." whenever I call out "Taa..?"
12 - Calls out to me, "Ibuuu" whenever you couldn't find me. *sigh*

Well, I'll post more when I have the time but now, I'm hitting the sack.

Night, night my love.

Man, I never thought I could buy 'bantal kabu' (kapok pillow) online, much less that anyone would set up a business based on decorative pillows. But their business is thriving, so who am I to judge.

When I got this broadband thingie, I was planning on setting up an online business of my own. Something along the line of translating, composing or proofreading things for potential customers. So far, nothing is good to go but I am keeping an open mind.

I've looked at so many blogs, acting as a store of sorts, featuring merchandises covering everything from household items, clothing (women, men, children even pets), accessories, health products to bedroom 'toys' and lots more. Seems like you can find anything online these days, for the right price off course. A friend of mine set up a website for wedding gifts and she's raking in at least RM 1500 per month, without having to quit her day job. Another friend sells cloth diapers, beaded bracelets and other decorative items, and she's planning on leasing a shop for business expansion purposes.

They make it look so easy, earning money online.

Well, if my job applications don't come through, then I have to seriously look into joining the online business wagon.

Dear God, I am so confused right now. I read somewhere that whatever I want is not necessarily what I need. But I do need some intervention now. I am stuck! My parents are on my back about me working, AGAIN! and I don't like the whole idea of 'job-hunting', after all these years. I practically have never worked in my whole life. Well, I don't really consider being a tutor with the university as working, coz, well, the job was easy and felt like charity. Which was to my advantage, financially. Anyway, what am I supposed to tell about my 'hiatus' from working during the interview? That my husband doesn't like it when I bring up the 'Can I find a job?' question? My husband, now he's another matter. He is such the silent type, we actually only talk on average of half an hour a day! Honestly. His typical day, if he doesn't need to go anywhere, would be to wake up around noon, take a bath, hang around the house for a few minutes, then heads out to the local hangout spot, to be with his friends. Comes back a few hours later, with takeout lunch for us (I don't cook..there's literally nothing to cook in this house, coz he won't go to the market and I can't, not with the boys.) and heads back out again. He'll come home during Maghrib, spend a few minutes with the boys, take another bath and goes out again to buy me dinner. After that, I don't see him till he comes home around 2 in the morning, if I haven't zoned out myself by that hour. If I talk to him about anything that he doesn't like, during the few, lousy minutes he's at home, then I risk cutting that minutes by half. I hate it when he does that. It is so hard getting him to engage in a serious conversation. Most of the time, I'd be the one talking while he just sits there puffing on his ciggy. MAN! Being an adult is tough! Being a mother is tougher! Being my husband's wife is the toughest! Well, I'm off to find a decent job on the web. Hopefully I'll find something that can please both my parents and husband. Phew.

Man, I've been out o commission for so long, I don't even know where to begin. And I don't think that this post will be a very elaborate one either. Well, here's some of the things I've written during the long, lonely hour at home with no internet connection. I miss blogging. I need an outlet for all the pent-up rage I’ve kept inside for so long. Alas, no internet connection means no blog. Sob sob. I’m at a crossroad. One road would mean financial freedom (from my husband) and the other would mean depending on my husband forever (or for as long as we both stay married, which I hope is forever *knock on wood*). Most importantly, I don’t want to disappoint my mother, though I hate her interfering with my life even now. She never lets go. She feels that she still have to monitor her children, tell them what to do and what is expected of them even after they got married and moved away from her. She controls by manipulating her children into doing exactly what she wants. Plus she compares one sibling against the other, which I hate. But she is my mother. For as much as I hate being tied to her apron-string, I hate TB even more. Now, she is the epitome of the she-devil. Hahahaha. Her mouth spews foul language every single day. She is also a two-timing back stabber. She’s the all sugar and spice lady in front of people but spits out poison darts behind them. I hate that very much. (*edited to add* But, truth be told, after rereading this a second time, I have to admit that I may have exaggerated her evilness a bit, to suit my hatred towards her.) 3 years into our marriage and we still live with his mother. GOD! Such a lame life! I haven’t spoken to TB since, give or take, 3 month ago. She started it! I was watching TV with Shahrin that day when she suddenly went into attack mode. As always, Abg wasn’t around. That has always been the way she start her attacks. She waited until Abg is not around then dumped all her anger towards him onto me, which in turn makes me hate her more. Couldn’t she have waited till he got home and scold him? Why unburden herself onto me? When she got the motion going, she got on and on and on and on, implicating me as well. IHATETHATBITCH!!!!!!!!!

After the hectic months of completing my thesis, these past months seems so boring and endless. I am currently in a limbo thus the title for today's post.

I know I've been neglecting this blog. It is either due to one reason or another. I don't have internet connection at home so I have to wait to come to USM for anything net related. Thankfully I can use this excuse to get out of the house. These days, even the weekends feels like death sentences.

Things have not gotten any better between me and TB. I'm sure she hates me as much as I hate her. However, she did kiss me goodbye when she had to go to KL two weeks ago. Does that means she's a better person than I am? I'm sure she is. Hah.

I keep wanting to have a chat with her, much like the 'chat' she had with me months ago. But I don't have the courage to go through with it. I keep having one way conversations with her in my mind but I just can't verbalize them yet. I have to, I know this deep inside. Steven Covey wrote about confronting a problem and fixing it. I'm just not that brave to go through this process.

Regarding the 'chat', another 'chat' occurred during the first week of Syawal. I've wanted to write about it but didn't think it was appropriate for public viewing. It would be like airing the family's laundry out in the yard where the public can see. But I feel deeply about it and feel like I should do a post, for my future reference if nothing else.

The whole family sans Chaop and Anan (my poor mother, she 'lost' her only 2 sons to the academic world and couldn't celebrate Raya with them) gathered at Atan's house for Raya this year. Me, Abg and Shahrin went to KL on the 2nd Raya and stayed overnight at Kakak's house. On the 3rd day, we convoyed to Atan's house where Mama, Baba, Ateh, Atan n her family were gathered. As usual, much 'makan-makan' ensued plus all the talking and catching ups.

Around 9 o'clock that night, Kakak n Atan called me to join them for a little 'family discussion'. The matters to be discussed? Money, money and my parents inability to let us children struggle for a bit in life plus the 'mystery' to why Mama n Baba no longer stays at Kakak's house. (Money really is an evil thing. The lack of it, the abundance of it, the attaining of it lead people down the road to hell).

Dear Sayang,

I am truly sorry for yelling at you last night. Please forgive me. I was tired, sleepy and confused at that time. I know I shouldn't have let it out on you but sometimes I just lost control. I have a quick temper but you do know that I would never hurt you, right? I promise I will try to keep a tighter check on my temper. Please don't hate me.


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edited to add:

You have shown the tendency to be a lefty. If given anything, the first hand you reach out would be your left. If holding food in both hands (greedy huh?), you'd eat from your left, when given a pen in your right hand, you'll immediately transfer it to your left hand.

BTW, you have also grasp the idea that a pen is used for writing and that it should be given to you inclusive of a piece of paper. Like, duh! Off course you need a paper, how are you suppose to write on if only given a pen?

Hahah, clever boy.

Sorry, with all the hustle and bustle from Raya, I haven't felt like blogging anything. Came back from 'holidaying' in KL (will do another post regarding this, actually maybe two if I feel up to it coz I have composed some in my mind but will have to see about actually writing them down) last Thursday, came to school on Tuesday but didn't have the drive to actually blog. I did manage to write a few sentences but couldn't submit the entry due to deep deliberation.

Anyway, this post is about Shahrin and his progress as he has hit the 14 month age.

Dear Sayang,

I'm sorry I missed your 14 month anniversary but in my defense, we were spending special time together during the long holiday plus we don't have any internet connections at home,else I'd already done this post.

So far, you have not gained any significant weight. In two month, you've only gained 200g, that's only 0.2kg, that's 0.1kg per month! Luckily I didn't get any grief from the nurse who were with us on that day. Your eating habits are erratic and somewhat predictable. If you have a fever or a cold or just not feeling too good, you refuse to eat. The week before Raya was the worst that I can remember. You turned down every offer of food, in fact I had to force you to eat. Even then, you'd just spit them out again, causing such a mess on yourself and the floor. Plus you do the gagging thing if you really, really don't want to eat. Luckily you still accept your formula, albeit at reduced volume. I was so worried about you not wanting to eat that I offered you practically any kind of food available just to make sure you eat something. I am sure glad you are bigger now because food has become easier to prepare, and I don't have to worry to much about allergies, except to make sure you eat small portions of everything to avoid choking. These days, you are back to eating normally plus the usual volume of formula. I am so relieved with this. Oh, btw you have also tried quite a number of kuih Raya and I'm sure you like all of them. It's fun watching you try each one, even more so watching you move/suck/chew the kuih Raya in your mouth.

I am also pleased to report that you can already sit unassisted! YAY! At first, we only noticed that you are able to sit (with both your legs at your side with your butt in between, like in the antara dua sujud position) if you have something to hold on to, like the TV table. But recently you are also able to sit in that position from the crawling position. However, you are not able to sit indian style without help, meaning, if I put you down on your butt, then you can sit like that but not on your own. Plus, lately, you seem to prefer 'tatih' then crawling more and more. Tatih is where an adult have to hold you near your armpits and let you walk assisted. You walk very fast this way, and I have to say that it makes me proud to see you so excited at being able to do so. You also do the 'look through your legs' stand where you'd place both hands on the floor and lift your butt up. Your grandma (my Mama) said that it's a sign that you'll be walking soon. Man, I can't wait to see you take your first step unassisted.

What else? Hmm..you can clap, can do the 'YAY! both hands in the air' thing, make funny faces; blink both eyes while scrunching your nose, shake hands (salam plus cium tangan) when asked and practically a million other things that I am unable to list down.

I am yet to hear any coherent word from you but there are a few that seems close enough to a real word. You can now say:

adoi <-- you cry this out when you need to poo but can't, even I feel like crying
abu <-- I take this to mean Ibu (me)
ayah

and a jumble of many other sounds that I have yet to decipher.


Shahrin sayang, you bring constant joy to me. Watching you grow up (your head is bigger than my hands these days compared to when you were a newborn, your whole head could fit into my palm easily back then), try out new things, mastering old tricks and lightening up my life feels like a huge blessing from GOD. In fact, I'm sure you are. I have been blessed with a human being so special, so loved.