Man, I've been out o commission for so long, I don't even know where to begin. And I don't think that this post will be a very elaborate one either. Well, here's some of the things I've written during the long, lonely hour at home with no internet connection. I miss blogging. I need an outlet for all the pent-up rage I’ve kept inside for so long. Alas, no internet connection means no blog. Sob sob. I’m at a crossroad. One road would mean financial freedom (from my husband) and the other would mean depending on my husband forever (or for as long as we both stay married, which I hope is forever *knock on wood*). Most importantly, I don’t want to disappoint my mother, though I hate her interfering with my life even now. She never lets go. She feels that she still have to monitor her children, tell them what to do and what is expected of them even after they got married and moved away from her. She controls by manipulating her children into doing exactly what she wants. Plus she compares one sibling against the other, which I hate. But she is my mother. For as much as I hate being tied to her apron-string, I hate TB even more. Now, she is the epitome of the she-devil. Hahahaha. Her mouth spews foul language every single day. She is also a two-timing back stabber. She’s the all sugar and spice lady in front of people but spits out poison darts behind them. I hate that very much. (*edited to add* But, truth be told, after rereading this a second time, I have to admit that I may have exaggerated her evilness a bit, to suit my hatred towards her.) 3 years into our marriage and we still live with his mother. GOD! Such a lame life! I haven’t spoken to TB since, give or take, 3 month ago. She started it! I was watching TV with Shahrin that day when she suddenly went into attack mode. As always, Abg wasn’t around. That has always been the way she start her attacks. She waited until Abg is not around then dumped all her anger towards him onto me, which in turn makes me hate her more. Couldn’t she have waited till he got home and scold him? Why unburden herself onto me? When she got the motion going, she got on and on and on and on, implicating me as well. IHATETHATBITCH!!!!!!!!!

After the hectic months of completing my thesis, these past months seems so boring and endless. I am currently in a limbo thus the title for today's post.

I know I've been neglecting this blog. It is either due to one reason or another. I don't have internet connection at home so I have to wait to come to USM for anything net related. Thankfully I can use this excuse to get out of the house. These days, even the weekends feels like death sentences.

Things have not gotten any better between me and TB. I'm sure she hates me as much as I hate her. However, she did kiss me goodbye when she had to go to KL two weeks ago. Does that means she's a better person than I am? I'm sure she is. Hah.

I keep wanting to have a chat with her, much like the 'chat' she had with me months ago. But I don't have the courage to go through with it. I keep having one way conversations with her in my mind but I just can't verbalize them yet. I have to, I know this deep inside. Steven Covey wrote about confronting a problem and fixing it. I'm just not that brave to go through this process.

Regarding the 'chat', another 'chat' occurred during the first week of Syawal. I've wanted to write about it but didn't think it was appropriate for public viewing. It would be like airing the family's laundry out in the yard where the public can see. But I feel deeply about it and feel like I should do a post, for my future reference if nothing else.

The whole family sans Chaop and Anan (my poor mother, she 'lost' her only 2 sons to the academic world and couldn't celebrate Raya with them) gathered at Atan's house for Raya this year. Me, Abg and Shahrin went to KL on the 2nd Raya and stayed overnight at Kakak's house. On the 3rd day, we convoyed to Atan's house where Mama, Baba, Ateh, Atan n her family were gathered. As usual, much 'makan-makan' ensued plus all the talking and catching ups.

Around 9 o'clock that night, Kakak n Atan called me to join them for a little 'family discussion'. The matters to be discussed? Money, money and my parents inability to let us children struggle for a bit in life plus the 'mystery' to why Mama n Baba no longer stays at Kakak's house. (Money really is an evil thing. The lack of it, the abundance of it, the attaining of it lead people down the road to hell).

Dear Sayang,

I am truly sorry for yelling at you last night. Please forgive me. I was tired, sleepy and confused at that time. I know I shouldn't have let it out on you but sometimes I just lost control. I have a quick temper but you do know that I would never hurt you, right? I promise I will try to keep a tighter check on my temper. Please don't hate me.


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edited to add:

You have shown the tendency to be a lefty. If given anything, the first hand you reach out would be your left. If holding food in both hands (greedy huh?), you'd eat from your left, when given a pen in your right hand, you'll immediately transfer it to your left hand.

BTW, you have also grasp the idea that a pen is used for writing and that it should be given to you inclusive of a piece of paper. Like, duh! Off course you need a paper, how are you suppose to write on if only given a pen?

Hahah, clever boy.

Sorry, with all the hustle and bustle from Raya, I haven't felt like blogging anything. Came back from 'holidaying' in KL (will do another post regarding this, actually maybe two if I feel up to it coz I have composed some in my mind but will have to see about actually writing them down) last Thursday, came to school on Tuesday but didn't have the drive to actually blog. I did manage to write a few sentences but couldn't submit the entry due to deep deliberation.

Anyway, this post is about Shahrin and his progress as he has hit the 14 month age.

Dear Sayang,

I'm sorry I missed your 14 month anniversary but in my defense, we were spending special time together during the long holiday plus we don't have any internet connections at home,else I'd already done this post.

So far, you have not gained any significant weight. In two month, you've only gained 200g, that's only 0.2kg, that's 0.1kg per month! Luckily I didn't get any grief from the nurse who were with us on that day. Your eating habits are erratic and somewhat predictable. If you have a fever or a cold or just not feeling too good, you refuse to eat. The week before Raya was the worst that I can remember. You turned down every offer of food, in fact I had to force you to eat. Even then, you'd just spit them out again, causing such a mess on yourself and the floor. Plus you do the gagging thing if you really, really don't want to eat. Luckily you still accept your formula, albeit at reduced volume. I was so worried about you not wanting to eat that I offered you practically any kind of food available just to make sure you eat something. I am sure glad you are bigger now because food has become easier to prepare, and I don't have to worry to much about allergies, except to make sure you eat small portions of everything to avoid choking. These days, you are back to eating normally plus the usual volume of formula. I am so relieved with this. Oh, btw you have also tried quite a number of kuih Raya and I'm sure you like all of them. It's fun watching you try each one, even more so watching you move/suck/chew the kuih Raya in your mouth.

I am also pleased to report that you can already sit unassisted! YAY! At first, we only noticed that you are able to sit (with both your legs at your side with your butt in between, like in the antara dua sujud position) if you have something to hold on to, like the TV table. But recently you are also able to sit in that position from the crawling position. However, you are not able to sit indian style without help, meaning, if I put you down on your butt, then you can sit like that but not on your own. Plus, lately, you seem to prefer 'tatih' then crawling more and more. Tatih is where an adult have to hold you near your armpits and let you walk assisted. You walk very fast this way, and I have to say that it makes me proud to see you so excited at being able to do so. You also do the 'look through your legs' stand where you'd place both hands on the floor and lift your butt up. Your grandma (my Mama) said that it's a sign that you'll be walking soon. Man, I can't wait to see you take your first step unassisted.

What else? Hmm..you can clap, can do the 'YAY! both hands in the air' thing, make funny faces; blink both eyes while scrunching your nose, shake hands (salam plus cium tangan) when asked and practically a million other things that I am unable to list down.

I am yet to hear any coherent word from you but there are a few that seems close enough to a real word. You can now say:

adoi <-- you cry this out when you need to poo but can't, even I feel like crying
abu <-- I take this to mean Ibu (me)
ayah

and a jumble of many other sounds that I have yet to decipher.


Shahrin sayang, you bring constant joy to me. Watching you grow up (your head is bigger than my hands these days compared to when you were a newborn, your whole head could fit into my palm easily back then), try out new things, mastering old tricks and lightening up my life feels like a huge blessing from GOD. In fact, I'm sure you are. I have been blessed with a human being so special, so loved.

*edited to add, this post was written last week but the wireless connection was crappy in the Msc room, I am currently using LAN from the PhD room.

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Man, this post has been a long time in coming. Sorry for not keeping my promise earlier. I have finally SUBMITTED MY THESIS! as of 28th Sept. 2007.

That was a HUGE burden of my shoulder! Whew!

But as the new month begins, I found myself clueless and aimless. What should I do with the free time I have now, while waiting for my viva? Well, I took the job of doing assignments for an OUM student. At least I'll have some pocket money for this Raya ( if I can get myself to concentrate better to finish this ass. first!).

Anyways, here are the promised 8 things about me.

1. I am one confused woman.

I seem to have 2 personalities whom contradict each other more often than not. One would be so nice and sweet while the other can be down right bitchy. I can switch between these two personality in a split of a second. E.g. when I talk to TB, I'd be smiling and polite but the next second she turns her back, I'd give her the finger. *GASP!* Shocking, huh? Or I can be chatty one minute and turn completely silent the next. However, they have both served me well so I am not looking into therapy any time soon.


2. I have changed a lot.

I remember my teenage years as being lazy and not doing any housework whenever I'm home. Granted that I spent almost all of my life in a boarding school, I almost never know what to do, housework related when I do get home. Even my mom didn't trust me with the stove. However, nowadays, I feel like I'm the mother who have to oversee everything in my current household coz TB seems to have slacken in the housewife-y role. I sweep, I cook, I wash dishes, I tidy up. These days, my mom even trust me enough to relegate the cooking chore to me when I'm home. Such an improvement compared to my teenage self where the best cooking that I can do is fry the egg. BTW, I make excellent fried eggs all the time, mine are crispy on the sides, browny all over and I can do half cooked or fully cooked eggs. My sisters always ask me to fry their eggs when we were together.


3. I hate clutter. Am almost OCD about clutter.

Imagine my torment when I have to live in a clutter full of house, that is TB's house. Bags of merchandise here, boxes stack up high in a corner there, clumps of what-nots by the wall. *URGH* I would have these urges to align the boxes, biggest box at the bottom, smallest at the top, organize the bags so that they don't jut out here and there, that sort of things. BUT. This is TB's house we're talking about, so things never stay tidy for long. In the one year I've lived there, I've manage to suppress these urges coz they are a lost cause. However, I make sure MY ROOM, the room where a closed door doesn't really mean you have any privacy, are tidy and organized. I fold our clothes in a way that they all have the same size so that I can stack them up really nice and orderly. If I see a piece that is even a bit out of order, I'd immediately rectify the situation. This gets tiring after a while but I find satisfaction in knowing I keep an orderly place.


4. I am a drama queen.

Ask Abg, he can vouch for me. In the last month alone, I badgered him over and over about my fear of not finishing on time. I cried a couple of times while spilling out my woes to him. I worried too much about it yet at the same time, I did not put my 100% into writing that thesis. Whenever I feel depressed or worried or even the slightest bit scared, I reach out to other people. I just have to tell someone about my fear. But right after spilling my fear to the unlucky person, I get right back on to doing absolutely nothing about the said fear. Crazy woman.


5. I have a short temper.

I get bursts of temper that makes me see red. I can't handle situations where I don't have control off very well. E.g. the driver's seat in Abg's car always gets stuck whenever I try to adjust it. FYI, I don't do rant and rave. I downright get physical. So, whenever the stupid seat doesn't comply, I bang on the lever as hard as I can, letting my anger get the better of me. I have also been known to kick the lever a few times when banging didn't work. If I get angry with TB, which happens a lot, I *shamefully* let it out on Shahrin. Luckily, my pinches didn't leave any mark, coz if they do, I would never forgive myself. Or, if I am not currently holding Shahrin when I get angry, I throw stuff. At the door, on the floor, on the bed. I feel so good afterwards, but as I said, pinching Shahrin is my biggest 'bad Ibu' moment. I always feel regretful after I pinched him, but I can't help myself. If I was trying to rock him to sleep and TB came over cooing over him, waking him up, I always, unconsciously, pinch him to release my anger at TB. This is another reason, among all the reasons why I HATE TB!!!!! If Abg was around, I'd pinch him as well. I did try the 'scream into the pillow' thing but it only made me angrier. I really need to do physical damage to release my anger. I do, however, get over my anger bursts quickly.


6. I loved to daydream.

Before I married Abg, I just love to spend my leisure time making up scenarios of me getting rescued by my knight in shining armor. Twistedly, the said knight is usually not so shiny in terms of his personality. Okay, I'll confess. I used to make-up scenarios where I'd be in danger and the hero is the very person who posses that danger. He would somehow, repent his evil ways and fall in love with me. Wicked, huh? I think this over-imaginative behavior is caused by reading too much romance novels back when I HAD the time to read. These novels always portrays such situation where the damsel in distress gets rescued by her very tormentor. Or is it that her 'distressed' state just triggers a change in him? Luckily, my real life hero is not so tarnished himself. Though I do love to joke about him being the 'Kampung Pisang' rascal.


7. I worry about money constantly.

Money has been a big issue in my family. Not because of the lack of it, but because of whose money is it and who is spending it. Anyway, this is not my story to tell so suffice to say that it does rub off on me. I hate not having money of my own to spend, now that I am unemployed. When I had the GA position, I felt so proud to be able to spend MY own money. I paid my student's loan with it, bought groceries and paid the car's loan. However, after 2 years on USM's payroll, I don't get anymore. I had to rely on my parents for money. *SHAME* To rub salt on my wound, I have to use my parents' money for everyday expenses in TB's house. Which really, really, REALLY makes me hate her even more. She seems to have let go of all the bills we have to pay every month. Abg does the payment these days. She always talks about splitting the bills in half but never comes through with it. I feel like a repeat of my family's money problem where one side always does the giving while the other bitching side, always takes but never thankful. I worry about Shahrin's future. How am I going to provide for him? I need to find myself a job.


8. But I don't know what to do.

I have a fixed dislike over teaching profession. I don't know how it got there but it is causing me trouble right now. Most of my friends who have finished their Masters are in this profession. However, I can't imagine myself joining them. Unfortunately for me, I don't feel very confident with the industry either. So, I am currently in a limbo over what career to pursue. I envy everyone who knows exactly what they want and how to achieve it. They make life seems so much easier.


Wow...writing this post is really good for me. I feel kind of calmed down for a bit. Hopefully I can use these info of myself to help me get organized again.

Sheeshhh....

Hahaha...here I am, frantically typing away in my blog..

Surprised? So am I. What the *%#@ am I doing in Master's room on a Saturday morning? I should be at home, with my husband and my son. Yet, here I am..in front of the computer, trying to keep a tight hold on whatever little sanity I have left.

Looking through my nearly completed thesis, two contradicting feelings emerge.

1- Wonder at how much I have accomplished within this month alone. Plus the fact that I was ABLE to accomplish them.

2- Fear/worry that I might not be able o finish on time after all. There's still so much to do!!!! I've been here for nearly an hour but still can't make up my mind what to do first. Should I write about this or that?


Ughhh...better get a hold of my thoughts. I only have 4 hours to go. Shahrin's nursery closes at 2pm on Saturdays.

Caiyok! Caiyok ANIS!!!!!


Pray for my sanity, people...

Alhamdulillah..

I was so worried that I might not be able to finish this thesis on time.

But.

Syukur, alhamdulillah..the light did went off in my head..I was able to make sense of the jumbled up words after all..

Things are coming together..I am so grateful for HIS divine intervention. Hopefully, this will make me a better Muslim - no more procrastinating about prayers, always be thankful and pray, pray, pray...

Now, if only I can just not sweat the small stuff and focus on important stuff..

Pray for me/wish me luck...

Help!!!!!

With only 2 more weeks to go, my brain has suddenly given up on me!!!!
I keep staring at the monitor, at the jumbled up words that is my thesis, hoping for some light to go off in my mind, waiting for that "AHAAAA!!!" moment to come.

Alas...the jumbled up words remained as they are, jumbled up.

Come on brain, work with me....I promise, after I submitted the thesis, I will treat you to nice, mindless, non-brain-stimulating movies! Promise!

Hey Sayang....

Today marks your 13th month on earth, outside my womb, that is.

The first thing people (after they found out your age) would remark about you is always your size.
"He's small for his age", "Oh, I bet he follows his father regarding to size" <--- a nice way to put it heheh.

Well, you are small for your age. But I know you've gotten longer/higher. Your old clothes (you can still fit into a new born outfit, hehe) are a proof of this. Old pants don't fit you anymore, the shirts have also looked shrunken when I put them on you. Looks like we're gonna have to go clothes-shopping for you soon. Hope your father can be persuaded to buy more than just 1.

Shahrin, dearest,

You have gotten very vocal about what you want. You'll even do the butt-shake if I'm slow at giving you the object of your desire. Cute. Especially when I'm rocking/swinging (I hold you in my arms and you know, swing back and forth, so you'll sleep) you. If I stop before you're completely asleep, you'll do the butt-shake. If I try to put you down, butt-shake again. If I'm holding you in one arm while preparing your formula, you'll butt-shake me to speed things up. Hahaha..super cute.

When you're in your walker, you move very fast, here and there and everywhere. You're also very inquisitive. You'll stare at something for long moments before trying to do anything about it, as if you're trying to assess the situation. When you finally hold it in your hands, you'll twist it around and around, looking at it from every angle. Even better if you have two of the same kind.

I especially love the way you wake your father up in the mornings. After we've greeted each other, you'd turn to him and climb up his back (somehow, he always have his back turned to us, right?). Then you'd call to him, "Ayah.." if he doesn't stir, you'd nudge his face, his neck, calling out again "Ayah..". Then he'll turn to you and smile at you. The way you smile back is really priceless.

Your facial expression is getting better everyday. I keep making funny faces at you, hoping you'll pick up on them and try to copy me. So far, you've mastered making funny faces which cracks me up everytime.

Sayang,

As I told you last night, as your eyelids slowly shuts, I will give you all that I can. I am going to try my best to give you the best in life so that you'll be your best.


I love you lots, Sayang.

Last night, while I was having dinner/breaking fast in front of the TV (bad habit, I know), TB came. Luckily I had prayed first before eating because she took her sweet time finishing her 'heart to heart' talk. First, before I continue, I just would like to state that she came while I was still eating and didn't even give me the chance to finish. So, I kept eating, finishing the few mouthful left on my plate while trying to appear attentive to her. If she considered that rude, well, serve you right for wanting to talk while I'm still eating.

She told me that she had kept so many things bottled up inside and so, last night she just 'had' to let me know. She talked about the incident in August, about an incident last year and a few more that are not related to me but to Abg. WTF? Why did she do that? If she's so frustrated with Abg, then let it out on him laa..don't drag me into this. Ok, rationally, as his wife, I'm supposed to guide/nurture/placate him or whatever when it comes to family bonding. But! This is not my family we're talking about. It's his! Personally, I dislike (hate is such a strong word, isn't it?) everyone in his adoptive family. I prefer his real siblings and parents.

TB went on and on and on about Abg and his 'attitude' while I just sat there, keeping my mouth shut. She also mentioned that the few times her siblings were there, they commented on my 'hiding in my room'. Haha. That was so true. I hide in my room. So what? She said they think of me as rude and unsocial able (spelling?). In my defence, though I didn't say anything at all during her tirade, they were there for a couple of nights only. Night is the only time for me to relax or catch up with house work or write my thesis. Plus I don't do small talks. Plus I'm uncomfortable with strangers. So what if I keep to myself?

TB talked and talked and talked while I just listened.

Hopefully she found the peace she was looking for by unloading on me like that.

I want to tell Abg but I don't want him to flip like last time.

*Sigh* Being the PR for Abg sure is hard work.